Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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