I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
