He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Randomize
