Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
