Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
