At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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