He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
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