ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
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