Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
