Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
