my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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