hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize