I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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