Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
