i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
