I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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