When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Sorry my hands just texted you
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
