Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
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Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
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I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
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