he thought i was a dude.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
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I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
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Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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