I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
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