I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
