Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
