I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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