Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
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is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
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it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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