me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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