Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Dicks are not precious.
Randomize
