It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
It's never too late to be topless.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
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