he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I need to calm my uterus...
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
