I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
