The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
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My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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