is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
It was a blind-side dick pic.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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