All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
