My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
