God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
