I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
My first STD was from a foam party
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
