Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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