Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
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