YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
