11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
