His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
