Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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