Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
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do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
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You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
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