My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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