Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
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