I heard we made out
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
