Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
