i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
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I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
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Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
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