You don't have asthma, your pregnant
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize