My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
