fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
