you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
