I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains