Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
25 Adults Reveal The Most Embarrassing Stories From When They Were Kids
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix