You don't have asthma, your pregnant
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
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