His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
